This piece was written for and first published in Wild Tongue Vol. 2 – How Should an Artist Be?, a zine by Timmah Ball and Azja Kulpińska, 19 May 2018.
This piece originally used anachronistic language and terms, which have been revised for re-publication.
1. Creative Victoria, August 2017
Application for: The ongoing creative development and presentation of Djed Press, an online publication exploring and elevating the creative work of marginalised voices in Australia.
This is the first grant I’d ever applied for in my life. I’d figured I wouldn’t get it, but I needed the practise.
The feedback on the application is… not great. I work out later that to fix the main problem they pointed out I’d need about $3,000, which I definitely don’t have since they didn’t give me any funding and my savings account boasts all of $87.
♦
2. Australia Council for the Arts, September 2017
Application for: Arts projects for individuals and groups, Literature Assessment Panel (for the ongoing creative development and presentation of Djed Press).
The feedback I get on this one is actually kinda okay:
Your application was competitive in this round. Your application was ranked in the top third of 123 applications. Generally, a ranking in this band would indicate that the assessors regarded your application very highly. Within this top band, there are many applications that may have been supported if sufficient funding had been available.
I take a minute to curse government cuts to the Arts industry.
The assessors felt that the application could have been more strongly contextualised in the landscape of Australian literary magazine publishing – that is, they wanted a clearer distinction made between what this and other similar publications were offering their readership. They would have liked to see stronger samples of writing to demonstrate the literary merit of the proposal, and some evidence of readership such as page hits and/or subscriber numbers to get an idea of the sustainability of the publication.
Other assessors praised your role as a place to ‘seed’ diverse writers, and they were impressed by your commitment to paying writers.
Not bad for my second solo grant application. Not good enough to get any actual money or to combat my rising anxiety about how I’m going to afford to run Djed Press if I ever lose my job, but still.
♦
3. Copyright Agency Cultural Fund, October 2017
Application for: A research project to determine how many First Nations people and other people of colour were published in 2017.
My first group application. The others seem to be surprised we didn’t get it. I’m not. I’m just disappointed.
♦
4. Young Social Pioneers program via FYA, November 2017
Application for: Seed funding to conduct research and run a pilot program of an index that highlights how effectively Arts organisations in Australia are engaging with people of colour in their staffing structures, programming and creative outputs.
After getting the rejection I put Jagged Little Pill on full blast to cover the sound of my sobs. I hate hearing myself cry.
It takes me longer than it should to process the fact that I’m crying not because I didn’t get funding, but because I’m completely, utterly drained. I’d just watched an African woman, who was working on a project about empowering African women, get on a stage and make a passionate pitch for funding. She told the judges: I am the only one in this program who looks like me. She told them: You cannot be what you cannot see.
I then watched the funding she’d been competing for get awarded to a white woman, whose project was also about empowering African women, because she had – and I quote – “the best business model”. Makes sense. Because who gives a fuck about representation and lived experience in the face of a better business model, right? It’s only prudent. Eventually I stop crying and stare at the TV until I go numb.
About the author
Hella Ibrahim is the founder and editorial director of Djed Press.