Christmas in July

It had been thirty years since she’d travelled back to where she had endured the most terrible pain in her life. She had gazed out of the train window back then too, the sunburnt country flying past her in a kaleidoscope of colour. She wasn’t really focused on the view, though.     

She closed her eyes. A grey curl fell on her forehead and she brushed it away, annoyed that such a small thing should irritate her. Painful memories kept creeping up. Against her will, they took her to another time and place when she had been young and carefree. Her head relaxed back against the leather seat as piped music played softly.

~

Back then, twinkling lights had lit up the enormous tree that sat proudly on the esplanade. It had been a magical sight with its red and gold baubles, silver tinsel draped all around it. It had taken her breath away. People sung and held candles, children laughed and danced until Santa Clause made his appearance. She had seen this scene unfold so many times before it was as if she was in a cinema, watching it on-screen; separate, detached from the festive process.

Elves had jingled their bells and waved madly at the children as they had run across the stage. Her fiancé held her hand, tenderly,  and a smile spread across her face as she looked up into his blue eyes. He squeezed her hand as they sung along with the carollers.

“Who would have thought that tomorrow is the day!”

She had touched his flushed cheek and brushed away a strand of black hair that had fallen across his eye. She loved the way his hair was reckless, flicking up in all the wrong places, and the way his cowlick gave him mayhem whenever he tried to make a part.

“Yes, tomorrow,” Raw emotion filled her throat. It seemed like she had loved him forever; like they were meant to be together forever. He lifted her right hand up, kissed the engagement ring he had recently bought her. It sparkled in the moonlight. They had been school sweethearts and had lived in this seaside village all their lives, and now they were to be married; she could hardly contain herself.

The train lurched suddenly, bringing her abruptly out of her reverie; her hands shaking and her heart thumping inside her chest. She thought of her daughter and how young and carefree she was, something she had been such a long time ago. She hadn’t celebrated Christmas in such a long time. It had always been a season she looked forward to, a time full of magic, presents, eggnog and plum pudding. Not anymore though, she thought bitterly.

She looked around quickly, wiping a tear from her face before anyone on the train saw her crying. She studied the other passengers instead. A young woman in a red dress with green ribbons in her hair, an elderly woman busying herself with knitting, and a gentleman struggling to wrap a last-minute Christmas gift, his sticky tape a tangled mess. She watched the way he pursed his lips as he concentrated on untangling the mangled tape and recalled how her fiancé too used to purse his lips or frown when he was focused.

To the left of her sat a little boy. His chubby hands held a book for the woman beside him to read. The Night before Christmas. The woman’s voice hummed softly in the background. The train rocked gently, back and forth, back and forth, as the women passenger’s voice quickly lulled her back into her daydream.

~

She looked at the beautiful gift wrapped in gold and green and tied with tinsel.

“I can’t open this yet,” she exclaimed. “It’s not Christmas day.”

He kissed her forehead as forced it into her hand. “Go on,” he coaxed. “Just for me.”

It was a guardian angel pin, white gold with tiny diamantes around the edges; she fingered it delicately before handing it to him to pin on her cashmere sweater.

“Just remember, my sweet, whenever I’m not around this angel will protect you and keep you safe until my return.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. Santa Clause had come onto the stage in a brilliant spectacle of light and colour his sleigh led reindeers, and she squealed in delight along with the children around them as Santa Clause sang We wish you a Merry Christmas while throwing lollies into the crowd.

She woke a little later in the evening to find her hand on her collar, subconsciously touching the tiny angel pinned there as she slept. The night had ended, and soon he was kissing her tenderly goodbye at her door.

“Until the morning my sweet,” he called as walked down the avenue, a silhouette in the darkness.

“Sweet dreams and happy Christmas Eve,” she replied out to the night.

She closed the door behind him and hugged herself.; there she was, at the tender age of twenty-two, the luckiest girl alive. They had made their plans, saved their money and both had good jobs. Life was perfect and what better Christmas present could they have chosen for each other but a marriage? She pinched herself in case she was dreaming.

~

The train was slowing down. She opened her eyes with a start, but it wasn’t her time yet; she still had a journey to complete.

Her daughter wanted her to celebrate Christmas with her. At first she had shied away from the idea—it held too many painful memories—but her daughter had begged and pleaded. “Just this once, please mum, we always come to you.”

She was proud of her daughter and missed her two beautiful grandchildren. Surely after thirty years she could cope with the pain, she thought.

~

Christmas Day had finally arrived. She was excited. Being an only child and her parents no longer living she didn’t have many friends to invite to her wedding. Perhaps making it on Christmas Day had been a mistake as everyone was busy. She knew that Robert had tried to get some of his friends to come from the city but they couldn’t. So they had decided on a quiet affair with just two witnesses that the local Registry office had organised.  She had to admit that she had been getting excited and knowing that he would soon show up  and that they would both walk together to the registry made the butterflies in her stomach flutter. Pre-wedding tasks kept her busy until the doorbell rang.

But it wasn’t him. A burly policeman stood at her door instead, shuffling around uncomfortably, hat in hand. She looked at him confused as he started to speak. She watched his lips move but couldn’t comprehend the words. “What?’ she asked her words so soft she didn’t know if he had even heard her. All that she could understand was that a wallet and clothes had been found on the beach and that they weren’t sure yet until identification had been made. She had grabbed hold of the doorway as he continued on. “Mrs Pangus the dressmaker let me know that you both were being married today so I thought it best I let you know. His parents have also been notified.

Later that night she walked down to the beach and gazed out to the horizon. Waves crashed loudly against the rocks, hiding the sounds of her sobs. She threw the wedding band into the angry, ocean’s waters. The ocean had stolen her love away from her; it could take the symbol of their love with it. With him gone, she had no use for it anymore.

~

Christmas lights twinkled everywhere she looked; even the taxis had Christmas lights on them. The smell of salt water assaulted her senses and the sound of carollers echoed throughout the platform.  The train station wasn’t that close to The Esplanade but rumblings could be heard and the salt water scent lingered throughout the town. They had always held the festivities on the Esplanade along with market stalls. The town had been really good about noise control and the last train for the night had been hers. She remembered all those years ago how the trains would only run once every two hours on Christmas Eve to allow the festivities to go ahead without disruption.

She honestly thought she couldn’t bear it until she saw a smiling face and waving arms. Her daughter had her in a bear hug before she knew it.

“I didn’t think you would come,” she squealed.

“I’m glad I did. I had forgotten how good the salt air smells,” she lied as she hugged her back warmly. They walked arm in arm towards the Esplanade and she could hear the laughter of children as Santa Clause arrived on the stage. “What time is it?” she asked, hesitant at her own intentions.

“Eleven forty-five, why?”  

“Can we go down to the pantomime and have a look?”

“Sure, if you want. Although it’s noisy and a lot more people go there now. Not like when you used to go,” she mocked, grinning warmly at her mother.

 “I’m sure.”

“Are you okay mum? It’s been a long time. I know that when I had decided to move here you were disappointed.”

“No I wasn’t it was just that I’d miss you. I could understand why you wanted to be near where I grew up and that you have always loved the beach…’” She smiled.

‘I know mum but it worked out great didn’t it! I met the love of my life and scored a job teaching and I get to see and do all the activities you used too when you had lived here.”

“ Yes your right nothing much changes in a seaside town, Sweetheart, it’s about time I put it all behind me. Fate has a way of healing and I feel that it’s time that I just got on with my life.”

They smiled at each other. She was truly pleased that her daughter had spoken up at last and that she had finally come around for Christmas; maybe this year was the turning point, time to let the past rest and live for the future.

She was amazed when she saw the tree on the esplanade. It was gigantic, covered in baubles and tinsel. Carollers stood under it singing Silent Night ,their clothes glowing with fine neon lighting. She felt a burning behind her eyes  as she walked through the crowd. A solitary figure stood back from the crowd; he had touches of grey throughout his thick hair and his collar was turned up even though the night was warm. There was something familiar about the way he stood, or maybe it was the way he tilted his head to one side, she wasn’t sure. She watched as he bent down to pick up a pinecone that had fallen from the tree, putting it to his nose and inhaling. His broad shoulders relaxed, as if the scent had taken calmed him down.

She turned away and walked closer to the crowd, wanting just once more to feel that warm, tingly feeling Santa had a knack of making people feel. Her daughter was no longer walking beside her, lost somewhere in the sea of faces in the crowd.. The smell of salt filled her nostrils again but this time she didn’t cringe. The spirit of Christmas was seeping into her every pore against her  resistance; she felt herself smile, just a little, and that lovely warm feeling spread throughout her soul.

Her heart did a little flutter as she spotted the jolly old feller dressed in red and white leap onto the stage. She needed to find her daughter so she could experience this new found joy with her. She turned around and found herself face-to-face with the pine-cone smelling stranger. His blue eyes locked onto hers, and her hand flew to her mouth as she suddenly realised why he looked so familiar. He must have realised the same thing; he let out a groan like a wounded animal.  

For a moment the world stood still. There was no sound of singing, no children laughing, no twinkling lights. There was only his face. The face she could never forget, the face that played in her dreams night after night.

She caught her breath and touched his arm tenderly. “I thought you had drowned.”

“I didn’t drown. They found my wallet on the beach near the clothes, but the clothes weren’t mine… by the time the police had worked it out it was too late,” he said. “You had vanished.”

“I thought you drowned,” she said again.  “So I left the Bay for good.”

He looked down at her and saw the tiny angel pinned to her lapel. “You kept it all this time?”

Her hand went to her collar. “You said this angel would protect me when you weren’t around. I have never taken it off.” she brushed the tears off her face; she hadn’t realised she was crying.

He pulled her into a tight hug, holding her like he was afraid he would never see her again if he let her go.

“I love you,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

“I love you too. I never stopped loving you.”

It was as if the time apart  vanished; she felt like that young carefree girl again, twenty-two and in love again. She swallowed the lump in her throat as Santa sung We wish you a Merry Christmas.

 A tug on her sleeve broke  the delicious spell she had been under.

 “Mum? You okay?”

She turned to see her daughter, then looked again at her lost love, her heart swelling with immense love and joy. Grabbing his hand, she turned to him and spoke.

“Merry Christmas, Robert. Meet our daughter Faith.”